Some funny quotes, one liners and snippets from those dreaded forwarded emails.
It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
He who laughs last didn't get it.
After ten years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits He's lost?
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. - Homer
I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff... and I want in. - Homer
Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Sexy Unix Commands: date; unzip; touch; strip; finger; mount; gasp; yes; uptime;
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
William Clayton
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
The greatest lies of all time:
I love you
This won't hurt a bit
The cheque's in the mail
I was just going to call you
I swear I won't come in your mouth
Of course I'll respect you in the morning
We have a really challenging assignment for you
I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
Be creative, invent a perversion.
Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.
KARAOKE: A Japanese word meaning tone deaf.
HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying.
FOOT: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
SLEEP: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
SUSHI: Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" ...until you can find a rock.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Why does free love cost so much?
If it moves, fondle it.
"If I'm sleeping and you want to wake me, don't shake me just take me!"
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
Here I sit broken-hearted,
tried to shit but only farted
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